Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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