yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
