You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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