I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
