I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
