hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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