We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
