Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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