WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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