True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
