i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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