I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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