508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
