A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm getting married
To pizza
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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