Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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