I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Floor bacon is actually really good
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
