I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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