Swine flu. Run for my life!
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
