if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
