i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
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you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
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The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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