I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
