I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
