also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
cat food counts as protein by the way
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
