you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
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we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
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I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
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