if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
