You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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