How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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