Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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