Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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