i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
