Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
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I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
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I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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