I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
