Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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