how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
