Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She told me I should be a condom model.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
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