I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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