Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
my shit smells like andre
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
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I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
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When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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