did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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