Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
