I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
