I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
