Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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