Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize