Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
