you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
