I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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