The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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