y did u give ur computer a hand job?
That's intense
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
