we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
