After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
