Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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