no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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