On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I love you.
Bad choice
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize