My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
