Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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